The most honest place on [my] earth

My Man Queu

2008-11-23T22:41:00.000-08:00

I have more than one man in my life. It sounds really egotistical to say that they are waiting in a line just for a chance with a confused and contradictory (not to mention chronically sleep-deprived) woman like me. Nevertheless, that is how it feels. I like to complain that it adds a bunch of stress to my life (ego stats going through the roof), but most of the time I secretly like it. It sure beats not being able to find a living breathing man within 2000 miles who seems willing to look at me for more than 2 or 3 hurried seconds. It beats the 14-month dry period I had a few years ago during which my boredom actually caused me to eat enough late-night starch to gain a few pounds (a feat equal to my winning a Nobel prize in mathematics).

Anyway, I've noticed that my blog posts have been rather dry lately, so I've decided to relinquish the sordid details of my dysfunctional love life. After all, what more do people want to read about than the train-wreck accounts of other people's lives? This post may also be prompted by the addition of a new especially unfortunate member of the club today. I may give each doomed sweetheart his own post.

Oh, and since I'm really frightened that someone will pinpoint my true identity and ruin my ability to be increasingly honest here, I'm going to give these lovely gentlemen some nicknames. Todd, Moe, Bob, Poe, Joe, and Nick. I love short names.

Todd

Todd is actually my ex-boyfriend. I met him 4 years and 1 month ago on a blind date set up by enthusiastic friends (so enthusiastic that one of them was really peeved that I actually liked the guy since she secretly wanted him for herself). We dated for a few months before I graduated from college and we both took off to explore the world. Somehow, though, we couldn't make a clean break and ended up getting in touch again, which led to lengthy international phone calls, which led to e-mail and packages, which led to an extremely romantic gesture involving flowers and such in which he asked me to be his once again. I was ecstatic. I was in love. I had stars in my vulnerable eyes.

Two weeks later, he waffled, freaked out, and ended it. I thought my life would also end with those ugly words, as I had completely tossed my heart into his hands, had been waking up every morning for weeks dreaming of our wedding day, his "will you marry me" and the blissful ever-after... I considered running far away, but since I was already in a foreign country, I figured I had already done all the running I could really do. A couple of months later when I returned home, he had begun to rethink his decision and.... I won't bore you with what is essentially the same story told over and over again, with a few other women sprinkled about. Suffice it to say that Todd and I have had a very troubled and tumultuous history together.

Last December, when we broke up for the 1,245th time, I finally said "Enough!" For three years, Todd had been telling me that he "just wasn't sure", could never decide for damn certain if he wanted me or Suzy Q. over the way. And I put up with it. Because I'm so unhealthily invested in everything until it meets the most bitter end possible, I put up with it. I waited. I wanted. And I hurt. Some of my most painful moments (ok, more like months or years) occurred during this waiting period. When I finally moved on and began to date others and ACTUALLY give them a chance, I felt lighter, more free than I had since, well, meeting Todd. Giving up on my relationship with him not only positively changed what I wanted but who I was.

So when he told me a couple of months ago that he had finally made up his mind, he was in love with me, I was the one (he always knew, but was just terrified), he wanted to grow old with me, all the things I'd always wanted him to say, it blew my mind. I told him no way. He'd waited too long and it was too late! Unfortunately, he was ready to back up his words. He wanted to prove himself and he's done a damn good job of it. Also, I've discovered that I like gifts a lot more than I thought. And Todd is a gift-giver. Not to mention a time-giver, compliment-giver, massage-giver, poem-writer, dishwasher, fantastic kisser.... I've woken up with Todd in my bed at least 4 times during the past month (There would have been a few more times if I hadn't callously kicked him out of my bed predawn- like this morning, for example, when I demanded that he go home at 4am. Fortunately, he is a sweetheart who understands the way in which hormone switches can turn a sweet angel into a mean bitch) and each time I vigorously chastise myself for giving in to his amazing touch, for complicating life when I'm supposed to know what I want. But the truth is that I don't. The truth is that I'm completely confused. I'm terrified of dragging him along while I muddle through my thoughts on life, as he did to me, but I'm discovering that I'm not the saint that I thought/hoped I was, not when I could be idolized and spoiled for free. In fact, Todd is spending a few days at my parents' house for Christmas...

I really feel that Todd is wasting his time, and I probably restate my feelings on the matter to him more often than is really necessary (honestly, sometimes people would like to enjoy being in love without the preaching of impending doom), but I do it to soothe my own guilty conscience. How nice of me.

Built-in Accessories

2008-11-22T11:47:00.000-08:00

My body is not a self-contained entity able to provide everything it needs (i.e. does not manufacture chocolate when I have a bad day), but sometimes it does provide me with convenient substitutes. I have a lot of curly curly hair and I often use it as a towel to dry my hands, like when I'm in a strange bathroom with no paper towel. It works really well for the drying part and actually makes my hair look better. If I'm in the shower without a bath poof or sponge or what-have-you, I will use my hair (you know, the hair down there) to suds up. Works great! Dry contacts and no eye drops in sight? No worries; I use spit!

Rain Turtle

2008-11-12T21:02:00.000-08:00

I rushed out my front door this morning, late as usual, and found that the sky was spitting great drops of rain. It was raining and I was biking because, also as usual, my stupid car wasn't working. I wasn't happy to see the rain, not happy at all. I don't have far to bike to work- only a couple of blocks- but who wants to get soaked on a bike when it's cold outside? I should have some kind of Rain Jacket or even a dreaded poncho like the one my mom used to make me wear as a kid. Unfortunately, all I had that I thought would protect me and my bag was a long, knitted sweater, which I put on over the rest of my clothes, bag and all. I looked something like this:

...like a knitted turtle. People stared, my jeans got wet.... but my top stayed dry!

Poor in Spirit?

2008-11-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

"Nothing kills the spirit," her father says with pointed gaze, "like poverty". And young Jane Austen is left alone leaning against the pig pen to contemplate these words of wisdom. Or are they? Does poverty kill spirit? Is spirit dependent on riches? Does one need wealth to love life? I recently told a friend (who also felt the same) that I would much rather be happy than rich. Please tell me that the two are not dependent on each other?! In fact, the thing I have most lately heard is that they are closer to being mutually exclusive. Another friend, on the other hand, saw his parents barely scrape by all his life and wants to avoid doing the same at all costs. Does growing up poor change your perspective that much? Does it change your priorities? I used to think the people who grew up wealthy put a higher emphasis on money and possessions, but could it be the other way around?

[I really like this movie, by the way, though I'm only halfway through it :D]

An article published a year ago in Newsweek claims to have the answer. "Why Money Doesn't Buy Happiness" explains that while more moolah can make you a lot happier when it takes you from rummaging in trash barrels and borrowing clothes from beggars to living the average middle-class lifestyle, there isn't much of an increase at all when you go from average joe to filthy rich! In fact, an overabundance of wealth may have certain disadvantages as you begin to worry that you'll lose your fortune or that you'll be appreciated only for such and you start to be suspicious, greedy, depressed...

Hmmmm. I might stick to my original statement, although chinning above poverty level would be nice.

Across the Universe

2008-11-10T23:02:00.000-08:00

Across the Universe
It's a musical slash romance slash vietnam war era tribute. And it's probably the strangest movie I have ever seen, backed by my roommate who said, "Yep, it's official; it's the oddest movie I've ever seen." Well, that was one of my roommates. The other is pretty much in love with the movie and probably wonders in complete perplexity why we think it's so strange. I wouldn't have labeled the movie with the superlative "oddest" if it had stopped at the singing, jumping from character to character, and switching from one geography to another, introducing new characters throughout the movie. I couldn't help myself, though, when the psychedelic colors and fantasy characters started to appear. I truly enjoyed the first part of the movie and, yes, some parts throughout, but it was..... WEIRD! I've begun to put all kinds of stuff into my Netflix queue, and this was by far the strangest so far. But if you like out-of-the-ordinary, Across the Universe
may be just your thing.

My other discovery today came from Stumble Upon, which I just tried for the first time today. It's similar to Pandora, a site I've been in love with since last summer. This one is Musicovery and it apparently allows you to choose your mood. It then picks music for you. Pretty ingenious. It does seem to slow my internet browsing a little at times, though, something Pandora also tends to do. It's usually just the speed by which I can move from tab to tab in Firefox, though.

Mad at Myself

2008-11-10T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm extremely frustrated with myself today because I A: stayed up until 2:30am last night and B: slept in until 11:15am this morning. I'm not very good at sticking to a self-motivation schedule. Sooooooo frustrating! What can I do to make myself both go to bed on time and get up much earlier? I keep wasting my mornings, not eating a good breakfast, and at night I'm usually not doing anything terribly productive......

Role Reversal

2008-11-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

He leans in to kiss me.... and I turn away. It is the point I never thought I'd be at, the day I never thought possible- and it is happening. My ex-boyfriend (no, not the man I've been sobbing over but another, less recent heartbreak) is back. Well, he's been back for weeks, months even, but now he's really back. Telling me he's hopelessly in love with me and caressing my cheek. Singing my praises and looking at me like that. Doing my dishes, taking me to dinner, bringing me gifts.....

And I turn away from his kiss. Something has changed inside me and I'm not sure I can ever go back, that I ever want to go back. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to have this man hold me in his arms and say those three beautiful words, the words that embodied everything I felt for him at the time. But now, now that it's actually happening, I have this awful feeling of too late. He should have done this two years ago, a year ago even, and I would have kissed him back with all of the passion I felt inside at the time. Now I feel only a certain strong sense of affection for him, an entwining attraction, even, but none of the unadulterated love that once existed inside me. I can't think of marrying him and feel happy. I can't think of spending my life by his side and feel content. What changed?

I tend to be an all-or-nothing person. I want to make decisions, to have things decided, and usually if I think I have an adequate amount of information I get the decision made and am satisfied with it. I need to use all of the available information, however, and my decision needs to make sense in accordance with this information. When I wanted to marry this man (and I did, very much), the decision made so much sense with the information I had so far obtained (i.e. from dating several guys to see what I liked and knowing that he and I had what it took to make it work and be happy). When I "moved on" however, I had to tell myself that he was NOT right for me, that there was definitely someone else for me. And then I set about gathering extra information which showed me that this was indeed true. I met someone else that- oh- he made me feel like I'd never felt before! (Hence previous posts moaning his unfortunate absence) and now I suddenly have some new, extra information and my decision must change.

It's not easy look someone in the eye, someone you really care about, and tell them you don't love them. In fact, it can break you heart. What can I do when the tears roll down his face? When I can almost see his heart breaking inside his chest?

It's hard for me to turn my back on love, even if I don't feel it the same way. Being loved is something I've learned not to take for granted and a large part of me is afraid that I will never find this kind of love from someone again. I want to believe that I will find it and that I will feel the same way, but because of so much past experience which speaks to the contrary, I have a very difficult time believing it to be so.

The other day I found some poetry that I wrote when my heart was broken over this man. I thought it to be some lame writing at the time, but looking back over it, I realize that it was deep and gripping, really speaking to the way my heart was being twisted and torn.

Nothing makes sense to me,
Nothing can calm
For more than a moment,
A heartbeat of psalm.
The past is all messy,
The future is dark,
Lonely and frustrated,
Bruised up and marked.
Why did I not say
Or do this or that?
Thoughts of it all just
Consume every act.
Needing but not
Knowing what can fulfill
This ache is unbearable,
Yet defining and real.
Embracing the pain
And drinking my tears
Is thimbles of solace
To deep-reaching fears.

Hot, torrid, rushing through me,
Floods of emotion all but consume me.
Wrenching, cracking at my heart,
Every memory plays its part.
So alone I feel at night.
Nothing, not one part seems right.
Frustration grips me in its vice.
Jealous fingers rip like ice.
Mired in turmoil, stuck in space,
Empty of peace, dark of face.
Abandonment, betrayal, anger and pain
It's never over and always the same.
I feel stripped of power to own my life,
Robbed of the dream of being a wife
I'd rather explode all over the place
Than shrink to a ball with tears on my face.
For one good break, for one glad moment
Where is love; I wonder where joy went.
Don't keep me waiting; don't give me hope.
Your unsure heart's like a noose in rope.
Anger, explosive, simmering, hot
I feel like a prisoner; I feel trapped and caught.
Why can't you free me; why can't I go?
That I'm at your mercy is all that I know.

Lonely, so lonely

2008-09-21T01:36:00.000-07:00

Rainy days. They make me want to sleep in and cuddle. But I have no one to cuddle with. I feel as if the whole world is in love except for me. Not that I'm not in love, but it's like the whole world is in love and their love is NOT unrequited. I feel as if I may lose my mind. I want to love. I have lots of love just waiting to be let out. It's building up like a dam and that dam cannot hold out forever. Hopefully when it bursts it will flood the right person.

Body Appreciation Project

2008-07-31T01:58:00.000-07:00

I'm working on seeing my body as beautiful, desirable, and artistic. Part of that has been creating pictures of it that I love.

Time Snatcher

2008-07-31T01:23:00.000-07:00

I've been spending hours on projects like this one. New obsession, I guess. But at least it keeps my mind off of a certain hiking man...

The Facts (Just the facts, ma'am)

2008-07-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

Here's how it is: I have a great friend. I know we're friends and I know he cares about me. Well, I have a friend that I dated for a little bit and wouldn't mind having a relationship with, anytime... But we're at different places in life right now (both emotionally and physically) so that can't happen. I'll just appreciate the friendship that we have and the memories I have of the brief time I spent in his arms. And... if he starts to date someone else, well maybe it's because he's not ready for someone he'd really need to be serious with, like he would with me (I'm the kind of woman a man dates to marry, not someone he could play the field with). OR maybe that girl really is better suited for him (in which case it is absolutely no reflection on me) or the timing was just wrong for us (and I need to accept that; I need to follow God's timing, not mine). Either way, he's my friend, our relationship is unique, and I will end up happy and loved (by someone fabulous). I will, I will, I will. I must believe that. And I must quit staying up all night.

Breaking Point

2008-07-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

I broke down tonight and sobbed, lying naked on my bed, tears and snot covering my face. What is it that's wrong with me? Why do men not want to commit to me? What is it about me that keeps them from wanting to do that? Why am I always the one who gets hurt? I experienced a piece of my dream, my fantasy. He amazes me, thrills me to no end. He seems to be just what I want, the type of person I want to share the rest of my life with. He made me feel so alive, the best version of myself. And I want to be that person all the time, not this person- discouraged, hopeless, downtrodden. Past experience tells me that there is no happy ending. And I'm lonely. I need someone to hold me. I hope he'll forgive me if I seek solace in the arms of someone else, if I bury my face in someone else's chest and it turns out that he did want me like I hoped he did. I want to keep hoping, I want to wait for what I really want, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be broken beyond repair. And I'm tired of being the one to get hurt. I'm tired of lying here alone, sobbing lonely into my pillow at night, feeling broken and abandoned.

Weekend of Tears

2008-07-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

I know this will be an emotionally and possibly physically taxing weekend at Camp Amanda. I don't feel ready for it, but then how could I ever? I know I'll come away from this weekend having loved it, feeling like I've done something for the world, for people, for a person besides sitting in my room for days. Last year I used the weekend to grieve the loss of my ex. What will I use it for this time? I won't grieve the loss of him because I refuse to believe that he's lost to me that way. (I've decided to wait for him, by the way. He's worth it. And I just really want to be with him. I'd wait forever if I knew it wasn't in vain, so right now I'm just pretending that I know the wait will be profitable in the end. I'm pretending to know that I'm on his mind every second. I'm pretending to know that we'll have a happy ending.)

Maybe I'll grieve for the relationship that never happened, the one where he left me cold and alone without warning or explanation. I'm sure I still have unfinished emotional business to take care of there.

All I Want

2008-07-21T00:59:00.001-07:00

There is something there, with him. It is just magical, and I want it. I want to feel that way every single day of my life. Everyone deserves to be with someone they can feel passionate about. Absence may make my heart grow fonder. Hopefully I'm not alone in this.

I know what I want

2008-07-20T02:33:00.000-07:00

Oh that song; it just makes me ache for him. I turned it up and listened to it with my eyes closed. It just made me want to cry with the intensity of my longing for him, his depth, his feeling, his heart. I know he loves that song and the fact that it contains such pathos, that it gives him peace, that he shared it with me.... I can barely stand it.

I went on a date with someone else tonight- a good guy. And it was a good date. It was fun, it was exciting. We talked a lot, I felt comfortable with him, he's attractive, we have things in common. But my heart was with someone else. I found myself thinking about him on the way back. Yes, riding on a motorcycle clutching to another man, I was thinking about him. Thinking about how much fun I was having, but wishing that I was having it with him. Thinking about how even less fun would be so much more fun if I were with him. Anyway, he obviously stole my heart and anyone else is going to have a very hard time stealing it if it's not in my possession.

To mingle, or to remain completely single...?

2008-07-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

Should I talk to other guys, hang out with them? Guys I'm interested in? I don't know what he's thinking concerning us and I wouldn't want to hurt him in any way if he's thinking that we're waiting for each other to see what happens. I don't really think that's what's on his mind, but I could be wrong. And then what if I start to really like someone else or someone else starts to really like me? Then I'm in a pickle. Or a jam (that's sweeter). I'd much rather have him than anyone else, but CAN I have him? And how long will it be before I know?

Friends with lovers (of other people)

2008-07-18T01:02:00.000-07:00

I was very relieved today to realize that although my ex is happily ensconced in a new relationship and getting more serious about her by the moment, he and I are still good friends who can talk about important things. He's probably honestly still one of the best friends I have and I'm so happy to have someone in my life who knows me so well and genuinely cares about me. Even though he's another one of those people (which includes pretty much everyone I know) who is finding "The One" and leaving me behind. In the dust. I will be ok. I will find my "The One" someday. Someday soon. And until then I will enjoy, no- revel in, my independence and the carefree nature of my existence.... I can dream, right... I can spend hours organizing my closet (which I love) and not have to worry about someone feeling neglected, right? I can seclude myself from all other intelligent life and not explain my reclusive mood to a curious extroverted male. I can play Maroon Five at extremely loud volumes and not have to worry that I'll miss a phone call from my lover. My time is all my own. My body is mine. My heart is... well, we won't go there, since unfortunately it is not mine at the moment. Darn wonderful man who stole it. I might need that back someday...

Feeling Better

2008-07-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

And I feel so much better, now that I know what his distraction has been. And that he's been thinking about me... :) I am still in a terribly grumpy mood at times, like when I think about how my roommate's boyfriend is here EVERY night and I can no longer walk around in my underwear in my own house. Somehow that becomes more of an issue when the weather is hot. Besides the underwear thing, I feel that I can never get away from men. I work with men in the lab, I come home to an ever-present man... ick. Girl time please!

Feelings

2008-07-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

I feel better. He wrote me. It only took two days. Seemed like forever. It does help my mood out a little bit, this. I think I was just starting to feel completely alone. And angry. Everyone else's dreams are coming true but mine and it just doesn't seem fair. I felt that it might seem like something was wrong with me, even though I'm pretty sure there's not. Still, why does it work out for those around me, but not for me.

I think this discipline of waiting for him to contact me was good. It helped me to put things back into perspective a bit. He's a wonderful friend. A wonderful friend that I had six wonderful weeks with, a great fling, if you will. I'd love for there to be more... someday... but for now- he's a wonderful friend. I think maybe he just doesn't need as much contact as I do. Would he always be this way, like in a relationship? Or is it just the way he is now, because of the way we are? He didn't find me online, but now I have leave to say hello next time I see him. I feel relieved that he didn't forget about me. Crazy, I know, but I had that fear.

Time and Space

2008-07-12T01:18:00.000-07:00

I figure that the longer I go without seeing or talking to him, the less I will remember about how wonderful it felt to be with him. Maybe eventually I won't wish that I could date him. I shall let it fade into the past where it is only a memory of yet another fantastic fling that never went anywhere. Maybe he's not the one and I'm being saved a months or years-long buildup to a wrenching heartbreak. Ok.

Reality Check

2008-07-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

If he really wanted to talk to me, he would. He hasn't talked to me. Therefore, he must not really want to.

Do you know...

2008-07-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ever have that feeling where you just want to sit in a warm bath and stare into nothingness for about two hours? You just want to feel warm and comforted and not have to do anything or talk to anybody or explain to them why your own actions seem to be going on inside your brain, why you've retreated completely into your mind. I get this way when I feel particularly lonely or sad or depressed or tired or despondent. I want to go home, lay down on my bed, and hug a pillow indefinitely. Maybe fall asleep.

Damn It- I did it again.

2008-07-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

This morning, I told myself: if I see him online, I will not initiate a conversation. I will wait for him to initiate. I will. And he probably won't, but that's ok. If he doesn't, I'll tell myself that it's because he doesn't see that I'm on. Either that or he's really busy or he's about to leave and doesn't have time to talk. I told myself that. I promised myself I would not be the first to say something. I made my decision.

Then I saw him online. And I waited. I waited like I said I would . I waited 2 minutes. After 2 minutes I started to think of reasons why I should say something. Did he get my e-mail? Did he get the part where I said I'd sent him something? Could he tell me where to have it resent? did he know how much I liked the videos he'd posted? When would he be continuing on his journey? So many questions. "I could ask him tomorrow," I told myself. But what if he's not on tomorrow? "I should just ask him those questions right now and then TOMORROW not say anything unless he says it first".

So... I... said hi. Damn it, damn it, damn it. I am so weak. I cannot resist this man. Frick. And he couldn't even talk because he was busy having an important conversation with someone, so it was particularly unsatisfying. Now I feel like an idiot. I need to back off. I need to "insert space here". I need to get a grip. I need to distract myself from this wonderful man who has me rolling over with a twitch of his eye. I need to implement some kind of boycott, some kind of ban. I wish I could shut off my mind, my fantastic mind that constantly thinks of new scenarios in which all of my dreams come true. My fantasizing mind that, from the moment I'm awake, fixates at a frequency on which this man is the inspiration for every song, the focal point of every picture, the hero of every great adventure. It's impossible. I'd have to cease to form coherent thoughts, to make deliberate movements, and to vocalize spoken language. I'd have to surgically remove my heart, go through life permanently hypnotized (not unlike where I'm at currently), pluck the memory cells from my well-formed brain. I'd have to erase all thoughts of his soothing voice, his warm body, and his laughing eyes. I'd have to vanquish the feeling of his kisses and caresses, the memory of tightness as his arms go around me, the rumbling as he laughs against me. I'd have to pretend I'd never seen in his soul something that made sense to me, that I'd never heard him speak and marveled at the way in which I could relate to his words. That I'd never laughed myself silly at his jokes or fallen easily asleep wrapped up in the hollow of his embrace.

So basically I'm screwed. Great. But he doesn't need to know that. I need to maintain some sort of mystery. If I'm going to fight for this, I need to fight well, to fight the way women fight when they really do want to see their dreams come true. I should go for what I really want. If I don't get it, well then, at least I know that I didn't deny myself the fight for what I deeply desired. And so I quest to reconcile my true feelings and my need to retain my dignity and allure. Damn difficult task.

I probably shouldn't look at any pictures of him. Or hear his voice. Or think about him in any way....

Betrayed by hope

2008-07-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

Reading comments from Jason, the bachelor who didn't win the heart of the bachelorette this season, I realized how right he is. We do all deserve to get that look from the one we love; we all deserve to have someone look at us in that way that says, "You amaze me, you thrill me, I feel excited and privileged to be in your presence". And I want that. I want a man who loves me and is sure about it, who wants to be with me, can't imagine his life without me, feels like he might die if we could not be together. Yeah, I want a man who has his own life, is confident and independent, but I also want, deep down inside, a little bit of crazy. I want us to be crazy about one another, desperate for one another, passionate about one another. I don't want to have to sit and wonder whether or not a man really wants me, really loves me, really thinks I'm special, really finds me unforgettable. And I don't want to hold back for fear of going overboard in the expression of my feelings for him- afraid I'll scare him off or weird him out.

This guy isn't sure he wants me. Yes, there are things in his life that make it a less-than-ideal time for him to find love, but it's still his choice. I'm here and I want him and I think that we could be phenomenal together. Does he look at me the way I want to be looked at? Could he? How could I feel so amazing whenever I'm with him if I'm not supposed to fight for this? It's in my nature to fight for what I believe in and I believe in he and I. Maybe I just don't feel that he really wants me because he's not here right now. I feel like he's got me in a very precarious and scary place. I'm falling for him, have already fallen for him, and there's nothing I can do now. That's how I feel. I want to just go with it, but I feel #1 afraid that I would only get hurt and that I should somehow know that right now and #2 foolish for wanting to invest myself in a situation that doesn't seem like a sure thing. I just feel that I cannot yet discount the possibilities this man holds for me. I could love and respect him and utterly enjoy him, and I feel like I could do that forever.

Conquered by One

2008-07-06T17:25:00.001-07:00

Why is it that I can be so discouraged by one person's criticism even if it's someone I don't know at all? Why does it make me afraid to be different, to be bold, to take a risk, to take initiative? It makes me want to curl up in a little ball, fall into a hole in the ground, and hide there indefinitely. I'm so afraid of being annoying, dumb, inappropriate, excessive. As much as a compliment can lift me up for days, weeks, a discouraging word can ruin me. I hate the way that makes me feel.

And I stand... where?

2008-07-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

It's probably just my insecurity talking, but I often wonder if I'm just another woman, even a really amazing woman, but still just another woman in his book. Am I just another chapter in his life or am I more than that? I don't know what to expect. I wonder if I should wait. Waiting seems ridiculous, foolish, but if I don't wait, what then do I do? Move on? Ha! Move on to what? Someone who doesn't even come close to what he is? That seems more foolish yet. I can't actively seek to put someone else in my life whom I already know, from the very start, is not going to be better for me. If he were here I'm sure I'd know the answer- I'd know that waiting in vain is a minor risk compared to the possibility that I would be waiting with purpose. But he's not here, I don't know what he's thinking, and I'm feeling an acute sense of loneliness. Not just a regular kind of loneliness, but the kind of lonely when you know someone who could easily fill the void. The frustrating kind of lonely. The kind of lonely you feel when someone inquires about your love life and saying that you're single seems so unfair somehow because really, in your heart, you belong to someone.

All my life I've dreamed of the kind of love in which both of you, you and he, want the same thing- each other. You both know it, both of you can feel that desire emanating from the other person, and you don't have to worry that you'll scare them or turn them off by wanting them, loving them. It's the purest kind of being honest with one another and I want that. I want to express my feelings and know that I'm not going to get turned down, abandoned, disappointed. And I wonder if I'll ever find it. I wonder more and more each time.

On Blogging, Home, and Friends (Sept. 12, 2007)

2008-07-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

Most people write about either everything- every single thing that happens in a day- or they just write about important things. They write chronologically in the order things happened, or they hit on high points. I’d be that person writing every single thing and writing it in order… except that’s impossible! You can’t write every little detail of your life. You’d have to write every single day and spend hours doing it- if you were going to do it right. It drives me crazy just thinking about it. That’s why I’ve given myself special license when writing any kind of journal, diary, blog, or account. It’s simply this: I get to write whenever I want, about whatever I want. I can leave out anything, even important things, and I can put things out of order too. What I end up with is, well, just perfect in its random existence. I may record in detail an instance with a large bug, but leave out losing my job and winning the lottery. No problem.

(I can also change my mind about these rules at any time. They say excusable mind-changing is one advantage women get, and right now I feel we’re extremely entitled to seize any benefits available to our sex.)

Home:

Is it really where the heart is? In that case my heart must be in my little bed, covered in down and red satin beneath a white and filmy canopy, sitting beside my lamp and wooden table. I’d like to make breakfast in my kitchen, brush my teeth in my bathroom, and watch a movie sitting on my couch, but most of all I’d like to have a long winter’s nap in my comfy bed. Aaaah.

Friends:

Friends are the people who will drive four hours just to see you for four minutes. They’re the ones who are happy when you’re mad at them for not calling, who make you take something disgusting when you’re sick, who don’t mind when you talk about your broken heart for the millionth time.