Role Reversal

He leans in to kiss me.... and I turn away. It is the point I never thought I'd be at, the day I never thought possible- and it is happening. My ex-boyfriend (no, not the man I've been sobbing over but another, less recent heartbreak) is back. Well, he's been back for weeks, months even, but now he's really back. Telling me he's hopelessly in love with me and caressing my cheek. Singing my praises and looking at me like that. Doing my dishes, taking me to dinner, bringing me gifts.....

And I turn away from his kiss. Something has changed inside me and I'm not sure I can ever go back, that I ever want to go back. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to have this man hold me in his arms and say those three beautiful words, the words that embodied everything I felt for him at the time. But now, now that it's actually happening, I have this awful feeling of too late. He should have done this two years ago, a year ago even, and I would have kissed him back with all of the passion I felt inside at the time. Now I feel only a certain strong sense of affection for him, an entwining attraction, even, but none of the unadulterated love that once existed inside me. I can't think of marrying him and feel happy. I can't think of spending my life by his side and feel content. What changed?

I tend to be an all-or-nothing person. I want to make decisions, to have things decided, and usually if I think I have an adequate amount of information I get the decision made and am satisfied with it. I need to use all of the available information, however, and my decision needs to make sense in accordance with this information. When I wanted to marry this man (and I did, very much), the decision made so much sense with the information I had so far obtained (i.e. from dating several guys to see what I liked and knowing that he and I had what it took to make it work and be happy). When I "moved on" however, I had to tell myself that he was NOT right for me, that there was definitely someone else for me. And then I set about gathering extra information which showed me that this was indeed true. I met someone else that- oh- he made me feel like I'd never felt before! (Hence previous posts moaning his unfortunate absence) and now I suddenly have some new, extra information and my decision must change.

It's not easy look someone in the eye, someone you really care about, and tell them you don't love them. In fact, it can break you heart. What can I do when the tears roll down his face? When I can almost see his heart breaking inside his chest?

It's hard for me to turn my back on love, even if I don't feel it the same way. Being loved is something I've learned not to take for granted and a large part of me is afraid that I will never find this kind of love from someone again. I want to believe that I will find it and that I will feel the same way, but because of so much past experience which speaks to the contrary, I have a very difficult time believing it to be so.

The other day I found some poetry that I wrote when my heart was broken over this man. I thought it to be some lame writing at the time, but looking back over it, I realize that it was deep and gripping, really speaking to the way my heart was being twisted and torn.

Nothing makes sense to me,
Nothing can calm
For more than a moment,
A heartbeat of psalm.
The past is all messy,
The future is dark,
Lonely and frustrated,
Bruised up and marked.
Why did I not say
Or do this or that?
Thoughts of it all just
Consume every act.
Needing but not
Knowing what can fulfill
This ache is unbearable,
Yet defining and real.
Embracing the pain
And drinking my tears
Is thimbles of solace
To deep-reaching fears.


Hot, torrid, rushing through me,
Floods of emotion all but consume me.
Wrenching, cracking at my heart,
Every memory plays its part.
So alone I feel at night.
Nothing, not one part seems right.
Frustration grips me in its vice.
Jealous fingers rip like ice.
Mired in turmoil, stuck in space,
Empty of peace, dark of face.
Abandonment, betrayal, anger and pain
It's never over and always the same.
I feel stripped of power to own my life,
Robbed of the dream of being a wife
I'd rather explode all over the place
Than shrink to a ball with tears on my face.
For one good break, for one glad moment
Where is love; I wonder where joy went.
Don't keep me waiting; don't give me hope.
Your unsure heart's like a noose in rope.
Anger, explosive, simmering, hot
I feel like a prisoner; I feel trapped and caught.
Why can't you free me; why can't I go?
That I'm at your mercy is all that I know.