Breaking Point

I broke down tonight and sobbed, lying naked on my bed, tears and snot covering my face. What is it that's wrong with me? Why do men not want to commit to me? What is it about me that keeps them from wanting to do that? Why am I always the one who gets hurt? I experienced a piece of my dream, my fantasy. He amazes me, thrills me to no end. He seems to be just what I want, the type of person I want to share the rest of my life with. He made me feel so alive, the best version of myself. And I want to be that person all the time, not this person- discouraged, hopeless, downtrodden. Past experience tells me that there is no happy ending. And I'm lonely. I need someone to hold me. I hope he'll forgive me if I seek solace in the arms of someone else, if I bury my face in someone else's chest and it turns out that he did want me like I hoped he did. I want to keep hoping, I want to wait for what I really want, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be broken beyond repair. And I'm tired of being the one to get hurt. I'm tired of lying here alone, sobbing lonely into my pillow at night, feeling broken and abandoned.