And I stand... where?

It's probably just my insecurity talking, but I often wonder if I'm just another woman, even a really amazing woman, but still just another woman in his book. Am I just another chapter in his life or am I more than that? I don't know what to expect. I wonder if I should wait. Waiting seems ridiculous, foolish, but if I don't wait, what then do I do? Move on? Ha! Move on to what? Someone who doesn't even come close to what he is? That seems more foolish yet. I can't actively seek to put someone else in my life whom I already know, from the very start, is not going to be better for me. If he were here I'm sure I'd know the answer- I'd know that waiting in vain is a minor risk compared to the possibility that I would be waiting with purpose. But he's not here, I don't know what he's thinking, and I'm feeling an acute sense of loneliness. Not just a regular kind of loneliness, but the kind of lonely when you know someone who could easily fill the void. The frustrating kind of lonely. The kind of lonely you feel when someone inquires about your love life and saying that you're single seems so unfair somehow because really, in your heart, you belong to someone.

All my life I've dreamed of the kind of love in which both of you, you and he, want the same thing- each other. You both know it, both of you can feel that desire emanating from the other person, and you don't have to worry that you'll scare them or turn them off by wanting them, loving them. It's the purest kind of being honest with one another and I want that. I want to express my feelings and know that I'm not going to get turned down, abandoned, disappointed. And I wonder if I'll ever find it. I wonder more and more each time.